Shopping in Vietnam

When I started my job, the one thing that had me the most worried was the groceries. How on earth was I going to manage the job AND the supermarkets? Tabitha in Hanoi looked at me incredulously when I told her this.  Her opinion is that shopping in Vietnam is EASY. Way better than at home, she says.  Just go to the market! she says.

Well fine.

I DO go to the market.  Where I buy fresh fruit and vegetables. That's the easy part. If you think walking through blood puddles while dodging malevolent motorcyclists and hoiking grandfathers and carrying heavy bags of mangos and Thai basil in 35 degree heat is easy.

Anybody who has been here to visit knows that I actually adore the market, smelly bloody mess that it is, on a tourist basis. It's when I have to go to the market because I have no choice that I kind of hate it. A bit.

Martin insists on muesli for his breakfast (some poo-related reasoning, that I'll spare you the details of). And we like milk. And decaffeinated tea. That means the fancy western supermarket.

We eat meat.  That means the Metro - a half-hour cab ride away. Of course I can get meat at all kinds of places, but I have thing about refrigeration. And requiring it on my meatstuffs. I can only shop at the metro if I bring a copy of my passport. The metro doesn't give you shopping bags. The taxis are at the other end of a sloping car park. There are speed limit signs painted on the ground of the car park 5kph. As if I could keep my bulk purchases laden trolley to less than 5kph.

Buying any kind of fresh item at the supermarket, or the metro means queuing at the scales to get a barcode. Queuing in Vietnam means getting shoved around, ignored, and occasionally yelled at. Pushed in front of.  Lots of silent disapproving pointing from supermarket staff.  Apparently I don't wrap my vegetables in enough plastic.

Repeat for meat.

Once I'm through that section, my internal supermarket monologue goes like this:



Where is the goddam toilet paper?  Out of stock? Really? Of toilet paper?

Shampoo.  Cannot access shampoo.  5 Vietnamese women opening and sniffing every bottle.  Why won't they move? Oh she's moving.  No. No she's not.  Maybe if I smile at her. I'll beam. Nobody can resist my beaming confused foreigner face. BEAM.  Why won't they move?

Bitches! They've stolen my trolley again!  How can they just dump the stuff out of my trolley like that?

What is this stuff?  Is is nuts? Is it seeds? Oh. It's MSG.  Right. There are VARIETIES of MSG? 

17 aisles of MSG and no salt.

Why has the cheese got a padlock on it? Are people that desperate for cheese? It's not even the expensive cheese.  It's the Vietnamese cheese. Steal the expensive cheese!  There's like, roquefort right there and you people are stealing the Vietnamese cheese?

Ooh look!  Weird kitchen implements!  What's this for?  What's this for?  Do I need a strainer?  Pegs!  No, I don't need a strainer. Wait, what about a lemon squeezer.  Ooh! Whisks.  I like whisks. 

Plastic cake plates.  Are they nice or are they awful?

Which one of these is rice wine vinegar?  How many things can you make vinegar out of anyway?

Teabags.  Hm. Ok. Fine. Lipton yellow label spew tea it is.

So, if I buy this deodorant I'll get a free towel, but if I buy that deodorant I'll get a pudding bowl.  Pudding bowl, towel. Towel, pudding bowl. Can't decide. No deodorant.  Why can't men buy their own deodorants?  Dammit. If I don't buy him deodorant then I'll have to hide mine.  Fine. Towel.  Why does deodorant come with a pudding bowl?

Ooh look!  If I buy this bottle of fish sauce I can get that huge bag of MSG.

Is that pigeon or chicken?  Oh. It's frogs. Ooh!  Chicken foetuses!  Gory!

The cake plates are horrible.  What IS WRONG WITH YOU WOMAN? YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE AN OVEN - WHEN ARE YOU EVER GOING TO SERVE A CAKE?

Sore feet.

So, the smallest number of toothbrushes I can buy is 3.  I know, I'll buy 12 toothbrushes.  I could set up a business selling toothbrushes on the street.

I'm hungry. Do they have any of those cakey things with the coconut inside?  There is hardly ANYTHING in my trolley.  What did I come here for anyway?  What does it say on the list? Toilet paper. Salt. If I don't find any toilet paper how am I going to wipe my arse?  Have I got any tissues at home?  Maybe some wet wipes.

OK. I'll just get one of those whisks and then I'll queue.

Queue.  Don't push in front me don'tpushinfrontofmedon'tpushinfrontofmedon'tpushinfrontofme. Look dude, I get that you're only buying one bottle of whisky and a pack of cigarettes but DON"T PUSH IN FRONT OF ME?  You're only like, 14.  Go back to school!  Fine. You go first.

She's waggling the sponges at me.  I'm not allowed to buy these sponges?  FINE THEN.

One million, seven hundred and eighty four thousand, eight hundred and forty dong. That's a ridiculous number. When is it going to stop sounding like play money? Oh look!  She gave me a lolly! 

Durian-flavoured?  

Taxi. NO I don't want to go on xe om.  YES, I understand that you can carry all this shit on a xe om. NO. 

There are no taxis.  oh look! Here comes a dodgy taxi. Should I, shouldn't I? He'll probably just take the long route, not stop and rape me. Ok fine, dodgy taxi.

Me
Tran Nhat Duat.

Dodgy taxi driver
EEAH?

Me
Tran Nhat Duat.

Dodgy taxi driver
EEAH?

Me
Tran Nhat Duat.

Dodgy taxi driver
EEAH?

Me
Tran Nhat Duat.

Dodgy taxi driver
EEAH?

Me
Tran Nhat Duat.

Dodgy taxi driver
EEAH?

Me
Tran Nhat Duat.

Dodgy taxi driver
EEAH?

Me
Just drive.  I'll point.

Damn. I forgot eggs.


Argh! There's blood all over everything. Can you get salmonella from the chicken juice in your shoes?



Do you see? I HATE shopping in Vietnam.